29.10.03
last thoughts of the day
i dont know what's been going on (its probably school... its always school....) but lately it feels as though people have been drifting away from me (or is it the other way around?)like people i used to talk to everyday before, i barely talk to once or even twice a week, and when we do talk its mindless and (horrifically) boring. not only is that on my mind but theres something else and i cant quite place it, but its taking up a lot of brain space and its making me angry because i can seem to focus on ANYTHING like was trying to study and i couldnt even read it seriously this is not good.
family is on the verge of driving off the cliff of insanity. every freaking day my mom always find something to bitch about if its not one thing its the other and i seriously cant put up with it anymore and when she starts she doesnt stop like even if you try to make conversation with her she totally spazzes out and it takes every bit of me to stay calm and not yell back. its useless all just a crapload of noise
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family is on the verge of driving off the cliff of insanity. every freaking day my mom always find something to bitch about if its not one thing its the other and i seriously cant put up with it anymore and when she starts she doesnt stop like even if you try to make conversation with her she totally spazzes out and it takes every bit of me to stay calm and not yell back. its useless all just a crapload of noise
28.10.03
it's blatantly obvious...
that i am not very "un-fake". if you have not figured this out by now you are dumber than a doorknob. thank you for playing. have a good day. and dont walk into doors.
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26.10.03
hmmm... interesting
so i was eating those little teddy grahams.. the ones with the little chocolate chips and all and so i put them in milk... and then i kind of forgot about them and so five minutes later i go back and they're still all floating! like they were soggy ... BUT THEY WERE FLOATING!!!! why? O_o soggy cookies ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FLOAT!!! i dont even want to know what's in them -______-;; holy hippos i did (almost) NOTHING this weekend like literally (almost) NOTHING except for like vball! and putting my bookcase headboard together haha that was my weekend... i was supposed to start studying... i procrastinatetooooo much... like seriously my weekend was supposed to be spent getting ahead with my school work but that plan just went absolutely PFHT!!! like PFHT down a toilet PFHT! and those crazy ebay bidders!!! g'dammit!!! my domo went up to like $30 USD! argh i think i should just get the buttons! cause no one ever bids on the buttons! AND they're CUTE!!! and i think id actually like stick them up and stuff but yes PROCRASTINATION is sneaking up on me and its about to give me a swift kick in the ass
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24.10.03
going all out
i'd forget him if i could. simply said, that is it. like seriously this seems absolutely pathetic, i know but jeez, i think about him more often than not and i dont think ican handle it all and so i think, what if i just leave it all, everything that reminds me of him, anything related what so ever, but i cant let it go. i dont know..things are very PFHT , but that's how they are and well PHFT for me... the hippos are apparently not pleased. everything i seem to be doing never seems right. no matter what it is, i cant even walk in the door for five minutes without getting heck from my parents. what the fuck am i doing wrong? i really dont think i belong sometimes, like im just someone that sits on the outside and observes everything that goes on.. if theres more to this life, then im not seeing it, i need more insight, if it was on paper, id anotate (stupid english assignment, waste of time).
but yea the phrase 'resistance is futile' that kinda makes things go "ding!" no matter where we go or what we do, we're influenced by others, and no matter what you say there will always be a part of you, no matter how minute, that will always be fixated on what others think. there are people who say that they dont care, but i believe that thats just a cry out to the world, a cry that says "look at me" and i could care less about what you think because we all fall as victims into this eternal trap. its human nature to be accepted, and thats what people look for... acceptance. acceptance into anything, everyone just wants to feel that they are significant.
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but yea the phrase 'resistance is futile' that kinda makes things go "ding!" no matter where we go or what we do, we're influenced by others, and no matter what you say there will always be a part of you, no matter how minute, that will always be fixated on what others think. there are people who say that they dont care, but i believe that thats just a cry out to the world, a cry that says "look at me" and i could care less about what you think because we all fall as victims into this eternal trap. its human nature to be accepted, and thats what people look for... acceptance. acceptance into anything, everyone just wants to feel that they are significant.
23.10.03
songs say so much in so little
//Lately, i've been watching you, been thinkin 'bout u baby/and everything u do/just sittin away watching the days go by/have u ever felt a breeze hit your heart/like the wind was blowing it apart/as you're spinning like a merry-go-round/indications of a storm touching down/wish that i could weather any storm/but i guess it was heart break from the norm/was a day i will always remember/the saddest day in sweet november...//
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20.10.03
waaaaay past my bed time
haha its only 11 but its past my bed time andi should be working on physics but im not and yes big things have come up.
him. so we've actually started talking more due to what resons, i dont know, but we have and its interesting. i dont know i guess its oka now i kind of just want it to stay the way it is between us cause i think we talk more like this and he's easy to confide in haha cause no one knows him so theres no one he can tell and i can trust him the way he trusts me with his thoughts and secrets and what not.
school is starting to worry me, like seriously, what if i dont get the mark i need to get into the faculty i want, then what? i dont want to spend therest of my life doing something that i dont like cause that would be hell seriously ive always hoped that i would find the perfect career that i would be happy to go to every day and now that idea is looking like a total flop and yea i want to be able to prove to my parents that i can make something out of myself contrary to what they believe, they still think that i copy people's work and hand it in as my own and seriously i hate it.
friends. this topic has been coming up a lot lately. friend by definition is 1) a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. 2) a person whom one knows; an acquaintance. 3) a person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. 4) one who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement. friends are extremely hard to come by, i know this first hand. ive met lots of people that i trusted too quickly that ended up not keeping secrets like i had expected. maybe thats why i dont trust people now. does that mean im skeptical? maybe paranoid? that doesnt prove that i am, but i am.
people. deductively, people that run rumor mills. 'nuff said.
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him. so we've actually started talking more due to what resons, i dont know, but we have and its interesting. i dont know i guess its oka now i kind of just want it to stay the way it is between us cause i think we talk more like this and he's easy to confide in haha cause no one knows him so theres no one he can tell and i can trust him the way he trusts me with his thoughts and secrets and what not.
school is starting to worry me, like seriously, what if i dont get the mark i need to get into the faculty i want, then what? i dont want to spend therest of my life doing something that i dont like cause that would be hell seriously ive always hoped that i would find the perfect career that i would be happy to go to every day and now that idea is looking like a total flop and yea i want to be able to prove to my parents that i can make something out of myself contrary to what they believe, they still think that i copy people's work and hand it in as my own and seriously i hate it.
friends. this topic has been coming up a lot lately. friend by definition is 1) a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. 2) a person whom one knows; an acquaintance. 3) a person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. 4) one who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement. friends are extremely hard to come by, i know this first hand. ive met lots of people that i trusted too quickly that ended up not keeping secrets like i had expected. maybe thats why i dont trust people now. does that mean im skeptical? maybe paranoid? that doesnt prove that i am, but i am.
people. deductively, people that run rumor mills. 'nuff said.
19.10.03
feelings stink
so he's close to being err... available and i dont know what to feel. one the one hand i feel kinda happy and what not cause yea well thats obvious, but on the other hand... you have different fingers haha oka but seriously i feel horrible for feeling happy about something that's so *bleh* you know?
righto now if days had more day time hours i would be set for life because i dislike school work and i dislike staying up to do it tell me why i have to stay up to do it? argh but i finished bio i am pleased with mysel now to tackle the physics graphs hich i have no idea how to do! ugh
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righto now if days had more day time hours i would be set for life because i dislike school work and i dislike staying up to do it tell me why i have to stay up to do it? argh but i finished bio i am pleased with mysel now to tackle the physics graphs hich i have no idea how to do! ugh
18.10.03
reaching for something so far...
so, yea, him. kinda crazy. very confused. like i know him but i dont really and i like him but i think its just an infatuation, like really. why am i dragging it out like this? i guess it all boils down to my mindset... in a way. like if i really wanted to forget him wouldnt i have by now? maybe theres something, my subconcious or something, that still wants me to remember him or something i dont know. or maybe i cant forget him because i still think i have a chance. its like im blinded by day dreams and imagined scenarios, and i cant see through them to reality. i really need to get my mind off of him.
anyways yes school work is piling up, and me being a procrastinator and all is not helping, like now, for instance, i should be doing my bio lab athome, but im not, i chose to leave. i will be kicking my ass all day tomorrow for this. not a smart cookie, not smart at all. and someone better help me with my physics calculations too cause i need help with those agh!
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anyways yes school work is piling up, and me being a procrastinator and all is not helping, like now, for instance, i should be doing my bio lab athome, but im not, i chose to leave. i will be kicking my ass all day tomorrow for this. not a smart cookie, not smart at all. and someone better help me with my physics calculations too cause i need help with those agh!
16.10.03
not intended for virgin eyes
i am fucking sick of people puting them higher than others. like seriously i've met people who i thought were nice people and what not and all of a sudden they think they can go around walking over everyone like they're nothing. for christ's sake wake up and take a good fucking look around you are NOT the king/queen, so i suggest that you take a trip back to reality remove your oversized head from your ass and find a fucking place to put it. and if you cant do this then i suggest that you keep your mouth shut and keep your ideas to yourself because if you dont you are bound to get shot in the head and if not that then you're bound to get bitched out and christ if you're gonna be a big almighty assed face jackass, dont do it in public, do it in the safety of your own home so you wont cry when you're being verbally assaulted by people who are just as sick and tired of your crap as i am.
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14.10.03
miscellaneous gibberish
what am i doing wrong? all i seem to be doing is digging myself deeper and deeper into a bigger and bigger hole. my school work is *pfht* and procrastination doesnt help my piano is *pfht*² because i hate the songs i have to play and i'd rather play other things so i do and my family life is *pfht*³ just because i cant through one night in peace. im tired of doing things to make people happy, i want to start doing things to make me happy. i know it sounds awfully self-centred and self-absorbed and what not but i think its a good idea. like, its impossible to please everyone anyway, so if i cant please them, why not please myself....right? i mean i think it seems logical =/
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13.10.03
Don't be surprised if this makes no sense...
so i was talking to my parents, which is a rare thing because every time we start talking someone always ends up yelling at someone else for no god damned reason but yea anyway, i was talking to them and we ended up talking about career paths. my sister chose one i dont think its going anywhere, i think she could actually be something but not in the field she's chosen but yea we were talking about it and the whole being asian/ being a doctor issue came up and i dont think i want to be/can be a doctor any more. i dont know what the heck i want to do anymore, i dont even think i chose the right school for me and i've been looking for an outlet where i can just make all my problems go away but ive found nothing and i dislike talking to people cause im not actually talking to them, but just saying some played out script thats been written in my mind. ugh i just feel so mindless so much of the time! i tell myself "right conformity is bad" and what do i do? everything everyone else is doing and AGH its just so annoying . In hindsight i just want to punch myself and i hate being such a hypocrite about EVERYTHING seriously if i were someone else i would backhand myself across the face for heaven's sake. i feel i've been leading the biggest lie EVER and i've been living it for so long it just seems natural and i can't break free from is, no matter how much i want to. And i get so envious when i see people so happy, i think its just my social insecurities and what not but i always wish that i could be different and not me. i dont know sometimes i hate myself so much and i dont know what to do so i pretend that im not me, that im someone else, so i dont have to worry about it anymore. Really i just think im naive and unrealistic. my god, im such a self-centered little bitch
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12.10.03
Huston, we have a problem....
so we were talking last night, we being him and me, and he says, out of no where, and i quote, "u can be my mui mui =D" can i you say complete and utter crash and burn? cause thats what it was. ugh. so now, im thinking i should just give up on whatever i was trying to achieve and just accept that it wont happen, cause that seems like the most logical thing to do. gawd, i wasted so much time with this -__________-;;
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11.10.03
three hours of sleep and twenty-four cups of water later...
three hours of sleep is nowhere near enough sleep for me and play cups on an empty stomach isnt a good idea either. i learned something new last night, err this morning, err whatever, but yes, i should not be allowed to draw letters when playing scrabble, it just doesnt work that way. and pauline shouldnt be let out at three in the morning for fear of finding explosives in mcdick's bags in the middle of the road. sleep deprivation is not my friend, thank goodness for the long weekend on which i have little homework =P
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9.10.03
my story
i met this boy. at a glance, he didnt seem like anything too special, but then he spoke to me. his words were so sweet, so serene, they seemed to wash all my troubles away. then from nothing, his eyes seemed brighter than any i've ever seen and his smile could brighten the darkest of days. so we talked and we talked, and the more we talked, the more i wanted to want to be able to heal his sorrows and dry his tears. then one day, out of the blue, he said three little words that scared me when i heard them; three words that, to this day, still scare me when i hear them. and so i was scared, and i talked to him less and less, until one day, weeks after, we talked. and we talked about everything, and he then, had found someone, someone to heal his sorrows and dry his tears. and this someone could have been me, but it wasnt and now... now its the past and i think of him, every so often, wondering what it would be like to stand next to him, knowing that he would never let me be hurt. i still talk to him, and i listen to his stories about he and his someone, and i get angry sometimes, because i let him pass me by
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