13.10.03
Don't be surprised if this makes no sense...
so i was talking to my parents, which is a rare thing because every time we start talking someone always ends up yelling at someone else for no god damned reason but yea anyway, i was talking to them and we ended up talking about career paths. my sister chose one i dont think its going anywhere, i think she could actually be something but not in the field she's chosen but yea we were talking about it and the whole being asian/ being a doctor issue came up and i dont think i want to be/can be a doctor any more. i dont know what the heck i want to do anymore, i dont even think i chose the right school for me and i've been looking for an outlet where i can just make all my problems go away but ive found nothing and i dislike talking to people cause im not actually talking to them, but just saying some played out script thats been written in my mind. ugh i just feel so mindless so much of the time! i tell myself "right conformity is bad" and what do i do? everything everyone else is doing and AGH its just so annoying . In hindsight i just want to punch myself and i hate being such a hypocrite about EVERYTHING seriously if i were someone else i would backhand myself across the face for heaven's sake. i feel i've been leading the biggest lie EVER and i've been living it for so long it just seems natural and i can't break free from is, no matter how much i want to. And i get so envious when i see people so happy, i think its just my social insecurities and what not but i always wish that i could be different and not me. i dont know sometimes i hate myself so much and i dont know what to do so i pretend that im not me, that im someone else, so i dont have to worry about it anymore. Really i just think im naive and unrealistic. my god, im such a self-centered little bitch
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