30.11.03
stupid stupid stupid
i shouldnt be doing this. this is really not good at all ugh i cant fall for him not now its just not yea and all that and yea this is horrible maybe it'll be just a one day thing or something dear lord i hope it is cause i dont want to put up with this. not now.
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28.11.03
frustration leads to meticullous thinking...
what am i doing wrong? seriously nothing ever seems to work out no matter what i do, everyday its the same thing from my parents, i dont even have to SAY anything and they'll find reasons to nag and bitch at me and at school well people are just so AGH you know? like they're always following something thats not their own and they cant seem to diversify or anything and its annoying its like a lost dog following you or something its horrible. i keep thinking i should tell him, but i dont know how, and i really dont want to just kinda make everything go pfht you know? i dont know its just so like THERE. music takes me away from it all i love it. i want to change sometimes because im tired of being me, and i want to try to be someone else, all because they're not me. i dont know i just think i weird, seriously sometimes i feel like the biggest retard sometimes. stupid things, stupid, stupid things.
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26.11.03
so just random thought-ing today yup if people tell you things, dont be an idiot and stand in the middle of the hallway and yell them out. stop being retarded//stitches out in three days!//physics is tough i think i should find a tutor or something because well yea i dont get it, im worried, but i think my english is improving i think i just need to spend more time with the works and stuff, i still think fahlman hates me//i should finish reading my book =( blah!//piano is only good when i get to play the songs i want to play *sigh*//osa idol! round two! *ding*//purple streaaks!!! haha my mom was like "i dont think you should get them. i think they'll mess up your yead because you have that scar now" i laughed purples streaks!//i miss well yea you know tomorrow....yup... we'll see what happens anyway he has a gf now so yea meh pfht
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25.11.03
*tick* *tick* *tick*
reaching for the impossible. i think its absolutely amusing. you know you'll never get it or reach the destination but you try anyway and its knowing that you've tried that makes all the difference
maybe im over it it seems like i am but then come two days from now i'll probably be dreaming unplausible dreams just because well... just because
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maybe im over it it seems like i am but then come two days from now i'll probably be dreaming unplausible dreams just because well... just because
desperate....
FOR ICE CREAM!!! haha i didnt have any at hooome =( so being the superly innovative person i am, i took those little mini creamsicles that are dipped in chocolate and put them in the microwave... and ta-da! instant chocolate ice cream!!! well not really ice cream.. more of a milkshake... but you get the point! the point is that I GOT MY ICE CREAM! and lip butter should not be eatenno matter how good it smells, it tastes like crap -_______-;;
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22.11.03
a day i'll never forget
so ping-pong is brutally dangerous, and i have billy's sock, billy, remind me to give youyour sock back, and no more ping-pong for you... EVER
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19.11.03
what a shit of a day - yes this is gonna be a complaining blog so you can stop reading right here- fucking cold and snow logged. couldnt follow anything going on in classes, didnt get home till seven because of stupid drivers that like to crawl at 5 clicks on the freaking roads that turned out to be not even that bad because they werent residential and came home to yelling/screaming/more complaining. my mother hates me/us she said it herself so yea the rest of the week is gonna be one of those weeks seriously though she thinks that she is the only one that's stressed and i dont believe it for a second my mom is a crazy self centered bitch if she took two seconds to look at the people around her she would see that all of us are working our asses off trying to keep up with the shit thrown at us everyday AND try to maintain a balance between work and anything that may keep us SLIGHTLY sane. she doesnt get that i CANT do homework 24/7 and that i need to take a break every once in a while. fuck if i could drive i would NOT be sitting here typing this i would have driven away long ago. if i were able to move out and support myself i would but i cant because i cant and i cant put up with the shit at home either. so right now ive got to find ways to get home as late as possible so i dont have to listen to any more yelling that goes on. it's never been this bad before, like there used to be yelling but now its just fucking CONTINUOUS. you NEVER hear the end of it and if i try to retort in anyway she just screams LOUDER and LONGER and its fucking annoying i wish i had a fucking sound proof room it would be so much easier to handle. fuck i dont know what to do anymore.
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18.11.03
You said I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down
I'm gonna put it six feet underground
I'm gonna buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your hearts desire
Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn
And do back the things it did to you in return
You said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Honey, all the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I've made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
Start as you need to go on
Said I'm gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside me baby, watch the orange glow
Some'll laugh and some just sit and cry
You just sit down there and you wonder why
So I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Oh to the head
Honey, all the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I've made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
As you need to go on
As you need to go on
So meet me by the bridge
Meet me by the lane
When am I gonna see that pretty face again
Oh meet me on the road
Meet me where I said
Blame it all upon a rush of blood to the head
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I'm gonna put it six feet underground
I'm gonna buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your hearts desire
Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn
And do back the things it did to you in return
You said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Honey, all the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I've made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
Start as you need to go on
Said I'm gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside me baby, watch the orange glow
Some'll laugh and some just sit and cry
You just sit down there and you wonder why
So I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Oh to the head
Honey, all the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I've made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
As you need to go on
As you need to go on
So meet me by the bridge
Meet me by the lane
When am I gonna see that pretty face again
Oh meet me on the road
Meet me where I said
Blame it all upon a rush of blood to the head
so...
i've decided that i will keep things to myself as i see fit. people can not be trusted
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15.11.03
-______-;;
i find it hard to talk to people about stuff. i think its just how i think they'll think of me after. it turns out i do really care what others think about me. and id give anything in the world if i could be one of those people who dont care and can live to be themselves. if i could be like there'd be so many things i wouldnt have to worry about. image seems to be so important that it takes presidence over thought and attitude. its amazing what we put as priorities and what we rank to follow. like i understand if two people were at the same intellectual level and all and one person was more well groomed than another, that the well groomed person would probably be more respected than the less groomed one, but thats not my point.
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hmm....?
1. vball: YAY TO THE FREAKING MAX! un-f'ing-believeable!! mother of pearl!!! i still dont believe it seriously i dont believe it at all, i keep thinking im gonna wake up or something.
2. lots of people arnt worth the time of day i give them, really i try to see atleast a BIT of good in a person but some people dont seem worth the effort. i mean they come off as great people but when you get to know them its like "what the fuck are you thinking? are you crack?" seriously i dont understand some people
3. i have never eaten so much pizza in one sitting in my life, i've continuously had that "wanting-to-throw-up" feeling quite sick of BP's now.
4. i lost my chance. its game over. god im stupid for letting him go without so much as a fight. and now im gonna be like *pfht* but its my fault and i could have changed it but i didnt and yea he's gone now.
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2. lots of people arnt worth the time of day i give them, really i try to see atleast a BIT of good in a person but some people dont seem worth the effort. i mean they come off as great people but when you get to know them its like "what the fuck are you thinking? are you crack?" seriously i dont understand some people
3. i have never eaten so much pizza in one sitting in my life, i've continuously had that "wanting-to-throw-up" feeling quite sick of BP's now.
4. i lost my chance. its game over. god im stupid for letting him go without so much as a fight. and now im gonna be like *pfht* but its my fault and i could have changed it but i didnt and yea he's gone now.
14.11.03
im tired
i want oranges... lots of them....vball tomorrow i hope the game will be good looking forward to a tough match, we'll come through... we always do...they always do. i have a craving for orange juice... why? im getting up early to get a mocha before the game... the sacrifices i make for the team =P
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11.11.03
so ive been thinking... yes i do think
i want to ask for help but i dont know how // i want to learn to do things on my own, but my fear of letting go inhibits my actions // i should tell him... but i dont know how. and i know he likes someone else, but he just met her. do i still have a chance? dammit i should just let it go // i know my parents just want to do whats best but seriously, id like them to know that i am capable of making up my own mind // woh xiang hui dao guo qui // i think people are ticked at me, sorry for whatever i did // english doesnt like me and i dont like english, this also goes for math and physics
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10.11.03
fucking hell
i just cant take some people anymore. for christs sake if you're gonna act like you're the only one that matters then screw off and find someone else to fucking nag at. i have enough shit to deal with i dont need you nagging at me. and people who cant take hints piss me off even more. my god you keep messaging me and im trying my best to END the stupid conversation and you keep persisting with STUPID comments about NOTHING my GOD take the fucking hint and shut up! and for the people who expect me to be *whoooo* 24/7 wake up and realize that im fucking human too, i have more than one emotion and i plan on expressing them all. if you cant handle that then fuck you.
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9.11.03
for heaven's sake
im not a fucking stereotype.
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yes...no...absolutely...not...AGH! *pulls out hair*
so im guessing people have stopped reading this (*phew*) but yes todays conflict: letting him know
haha im such a retard. my god. i keep wanting to tell him. but i know i shouldnt cause well that would be just stupid. but yesterday brought back memories. things he did, words he said, just the simple things. right... im dreaming again! excuse me while i deliver a swift kick to my ass.
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haha im such a retard. my god. i keep wanting to tell him. but i know i shouldnt cause well that would be just stupid. but yesterday brought back memories. things he did, words he said, just the simple things. right... im dreaming again! excuse me while i deliver a swift kick to my ass.
8.11.03
blame it upon a rush of blood to the head...
so today...
it all came back... everything... and even if i wanted to stop it i couldnt. do you ever get that feeling... when you get so close... but it still seems like you're a million miles apart? i dont know maybe its just me, but its like im falling all over again- back at day one. i know he only thinks of me as his mui mui, but i cant help it.
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it all came back... everything... and even if i wanted to stop it i couldnt. do you ever get that feeling... when you get so close... but it still seems like you're a million miles apart? i dont know maybe its just me, but its like im falling all over again- back at day one. i know he only thinks of me as his mui mui, but i cant help it.
6.11.03
hmm...
let's reflect on the past week, shall we?
1. people are intimidating.
when i say this, im not kidding. people realy are intimidating.
2. i learned really well that i do not do well in public situations.
i cant handle the pressure... 'nuff said
3. some people just try too hard.
i know i do, what about you? we all want to be noticed... we all want to be in the limelight every now and then deep down inside most of us, not all of us, are attention whores. thats right, you saw it, attention whores. everyone wants a little recognition now and then, but sometimes it just gets to be too much and you just want to shove a f'ing sock down their throat because thats the only way to silence them. well beisde violence... but thats for more... uhh... yea... type of peoples
4. its hard to find someone you can always count on to talk to.
isnt that self explanatory? if it isnt well yea there are people you can talk to on a daily basis and never get to know. there are people who you rarely ever talk to but you feel you've known your whole life. but apparently theres a shortage on the type of people that you can open up to about anything,and i think the world needs more of these types of people.
5. females are hostile.
are they ever. even if you look at them for like two seconds and they see you looking, they'll glare at you for EVER. why are they like this? this dissapoints me greatly.
6. infatuations
like the one day kind... kinda weird cause you dont know how to feel after that. kinda odd but yea i guess meh oh well. but when you're infatuated, its so hard to let go, you just keep telling yourself no, no, no but u cant accept it and you do it anyway.
7. guys are confusing.
'nuff said.
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1. people are intimidating.
when i say this, im not kidding. people realy are intimidating.
2. i learned really well that i do not do well in public situations.
i cant handle the pressure... 'nuff said
3. some people just try too hard.
i know i do, what about you? we all want to be noticed... we all want to be in the limelight every now and then deep down inside most of us, not all of us, are attention whores. thats right, you saw it, attention whores. everyone wants a little recognition now and then, but sometimes it just gets to be too much and you just want to shove a f'ing sock down their throat because thats the only way to silence them. well beisde violence... but thats for more... uhh... yea... type of peoples
4. its hard to find someone you can always count on to talk to.
isnt that self explanatory? if it isnt well yea there are people you can talk to on a daily basis and never get to know. there are people who you rarely ever talk to but you feel you've known your whole life. but apparently theres a shortage on the type of people that you can open up to about anything,and i think the world needs more of these types of people.
5. females are hostile.
are they ever. even if you look at them for like two seconds and they see you looking, they'll glare at you for EVER. why are they like this? this dissapoints me greatly.
6. infatuations
like the one day kind... kinda weird cause you dont know how to feel after that. kinda odd but yea i guess meh oh well. but when you're infatuated, its so hard to let go, you just keep telling yourself no, no, no but u cant accept it and you do it anyway.
7. guys are confusing.
'nuff said.
5.11.03
more miscellaneous thoughts
first off, i would to say, stop preaching to me, you know i tune out when you do, so dont waste your time or your breath, save it for something worth saying. second of all im gonna sleep early tonight
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4.11.03
one year older... not much wiser
happy belated birthday to pauline!!! we must find another one of those popcorn machines... those absolutely can NOT be healthy! haha and happy birthday anthony!!! there will be many more excurssions to europa three times in a day =P
so its been a year already hippos... i still feel like im twelve. i disliked being twelve... things changed... changed faster than i could adapt... like species specialization where there's little competition (problems in life) and better chances of surviving (having good times)... until big natural disasters came along, plauges, infestations (change, growth)... and yea i dont think that made any sense... if it did... well... good for you... if it didnt... well.... good for you too
i worry too much... about things that dont concern me, what people think, about things that i shouldnt have to put up with but i do because ive led myself to the stupid things that i have, about my family and how things never seem at ease, about my friends... will they still be my friends in the future? if they will be... will they be good friends?... if not...why?, about finding a career i'll enjoy, about finding a person i can talk to. and with worry comes over thinking, and with over thinking comes confussion... and with confussion comes a shit load more worries.
im going to see him this weekend... its been a while but i think im slowly leaving it behind...
sleeping has become...well... difficult lately... ive always got something running through my head and half the time its something so frustrating that i cant help but just let go and cry my god and majority of the time its something so small, so minute, so horrifically insignificant that, when i look back, i dont see why i make such a big deal out of it. god...i feel like such a retard sometimes.
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so its been a year already hippos... i still feel like im twelve. i disliked being twelve... things changed... changed faster than i could adapt... like species specialization where there's little competition (problems in life) and better chances of surviving (having good times)... until big natural disasters came along, plauges, infestations (change, growth)... and yea i dont think that made any sense... if it did... well... good for you... if it didnt... well.... good for you too
i worry too much... about things that dont concern me, what people think, about things that i shouldnt have to put up with but i do because ive led myself to the stupid things that i have, about my family and how things never seem at ease, about my friends... will they still be my friends in the future? if they will be... will they be good friends?... if not...why?, about finding a career i'll enjoy, about finding a person i can talk to. and with worry comes over thinking, and with over thinking comes confussion... and with confussion comes a shit load more worries.
im going to see him this weekend... its been a while but i think im slowly leaving it behind...
sleeping has become...well... difficult lately... ive always got something running through my head and half the time its something so frustrating that i cant help but just let go and cry my god and majority of the time its something so small, so minute, so horrifically insignificant that, when i look back, i dont see why i make such a big deal out of it. god...i feel like such a retard sometimes.
2.11.03
hmm...
im eating dots... those disgusting sticky horrifically chewy little ju-jubes. why am i eaing dots? i dont even like dots... WHY AM I EATING THEM?! ugh sick -______-;;... the red ones taste like marachino cherries... kinda...oka not really but yes english... mental block... not enough words... due tomorrow... oh shit and physics we didint shoot a elastic at 0 degrees shit and i hafta study bio and practise the stupid flander's field song for jazz choral oh fucking hell
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