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30.4.05

oh ho ho. last night was pretty intense. i dont think i want to have to go through that ever again. ever. i think there's something wrong with me. but the only thing that makes it such a tragedy is hope. oh ho ho, where is vicky when i want to talk to her?

if the oldest is the smartest, and the youngest is the most looked after, where does that leave me?

reality is a harsh slap to the face. today was a bad day for dreaming and a brutal one of realization. oh yea. i told my self not to and that i wouldnt. over and over. but i did. fuck. self persuasion is one difficult thing to pull off. maybe its time to detach and just use avoidance. that's usually a good tactic. why is it so enticing? like i forgot for a while and then it came back and pounced on me. and now i feel like i cant get away. why are guys retardedly oblivious to everything?

29.4.05

my unbelievably long list of irrational wants 

- 7 for all man kind jeans
- sony eggo headphones
- new board shorts
- new tees
- hard candy lunch box
- chequebook wallet (pink/blue playboy one on ebay with the button and elastic) or a cool new wallet like that domokun business card holder
- punching bag; stationary or hanging, preferably hanging
- aqualung album
- new coldplay album
- new cell phone; the BenQ one that i will probably never get
- gravis backpack that i will also probably never get
- my chapters wish list (its only four books as of now)
new
- new earrings
- l'oreal colour pulse hair foam stuff in chillin' plum
- T5S bag from urban outfitters
- blazer
- laptop (ha. ha.)
- corkboard wall for my room
- a friend

that's right, im greedy.

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28.4.05

oh ho ho! today has been a blogging day. hmm hmm hmm i guess i just dont feel like studyng french which will bode for another failure. but thats what i get. my just retribution. hmm my brain is occupied at the moment. kind of hectic and unclearable. it will pass. i hope

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alirght anger has passed the oc is one in half an hour and i was looking back on some old stuff like pictures and i found some crazy ones from grade seven. oh my. and then those note books! the panda book and the koala book. (jocey if you read this i still have your furry one). so it'll be like four months you guys! four months and then the twelfth grade. i don't know if i can handle that. i can barely handle the eleventh. i remember grade seventh was a big load of bull shitted drama though. haha my god. looking back on that now, i wonder how any of us could ever have been so insanely caught up in everything that was absolutely not important. haha and the wannabe-ness. gangstar, raver, anything you name it, we tried to be it. haha what losers we were. i think that carried right through grade eight and then kind of into grade nine. i think we were the kinds of kids that thrived on drama. hmm i dont remember much from grade eight except for the drumhellar trip. haha that was some intense stuff. pauline and i were the biggest stalkers EVAR i think. haha my god that was so incredibly sad. and grade nine, boy we were intense. we learned nothing in science except how to make starfish sushi (do you remember?!? i still have pictures!) haha and that egg lab with teh hyper/hypotonic solutions and when yong threw the egg at yufei =) that was funnny too. there was also that time with brent and silas ( i think) and the kissing! hmm there were also the grade nine math classes which wont be forgotten. pauline touching mr. sush's ass. and our giant table in the middle rocked with the i'm with stupid signs and the time that jocey and pauline pretended to be beavers =) (that was a wonderful photo op.) oh ho ho ho! the wake-a-thon!!! that in itself was a night to remember. the gummi bears (mo!) haha and the chair races around the hallways! haha WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA!!! i still havnt watched it yet. ohhhhh and hide and seek in the dark with murphy and her crazy sound CD! haha scariest shit ever when we were in the gym and all the guys jumped out from under the stage! screamed like a five year old =( hmm then there was chilling in the teacher's lounge with hot chocolate and moulin rouge playing on the tv. follwed by bad pancakes, the chicken in the egg and the table shaking!!! haha was quite the night then came grad. that was a good night few regrets but lots of great memories. (like silas grinding with robert! i think i have a picture of that too) and the teacher tribute with with rebstock as a perfect smith clone haha and aaron with yong's ass and i think it was jamil as bauer! and the make-out ness between the gameshow "hosts" (silas and henrique i think they were) haha. oh then came the last day of school. and the water fight and how silas got his boobs bursted! the excursion to southgate where silas became tester boy at the body shop at the hands of jamil and lillian. then everyone going home and silas and me eating ice cream and waiting for two hours for the bus that never came and seeing the fat girl wearing unmentionables. junior high was insane. grandview was so completely over rated we learned almost nothing but had unforgettable times. then came old scona. but we'll save that for another time because the oc is on =) (i love nostolgia)

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don't talk to me like you know what's going on. don't think you know or own the world. just because you're cooler, don't think you're smarter than me. you would not last one week in my position. you are arrogant and ignorant. you are an attention whore. turn around and walk away now. no one wants you here. no one. leave. and if you dont know this is you, well then there is more wrong with you than i thought there was.

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25.4.05

thoughts before bed 

fear is the greatest obstacle of all.
fear of pain.
fear of nothing.
fear of people and what they think or know.
fear that you won't be able to get along in the world.
fear that you dont fit into the clock work of things.
fear that things wont ever change for the better.
fear of the need to have someone.
all useless, absolutely useless. maybe time is calling for a leap of faith, hope, belief; things so hard to find. maybe i expect too much. or im not expecting the right things. but when you want something so bad and its sitting right next to you and you cant have it, its frustrating. when you want to say something but you know it would jepordize everything, its the same. what do you do but stand there and smile? i've been thinking that it'd be best if i said nothing and didnt reach too far out infront of me.

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24.4.05

do it. 

now. change. dammit change. oh hell. oh fucking hell.

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conflicted. 

you want to move it but you dont want to kill it. twas quite unpleasant. i think i can say ive accepted it. people cahnge and when they do so do the people they hang out with. its oka i guess, but memories just dont seem to mean what they used to. i've been living in the past too much. i am killing myself with the sappy music my god. incessent wailings about true love never come. to avoid the problem would make things a lot easier but how to avoid it when its got you surrounded? it would have been a good day to watch orange days episode ten again. are we happy where we are? will you ever forgive my self pity?

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18.4.05

almost a week 

no internet sucks =(

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3.4.05

i've been 

killing myself slowly from the outside in.

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hoping things will start to look up soon. i think im expecting too much from something that's already turned into something unsalvagable. (its proably applicable for more than one situation right now) but thats alright i guess. we'll see where it takes me, maybe somewhere nice.

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2.4.05

I look with disgust at my tuna surprise and wonder if I'll ever be able to sit at the cool table. 

new songlist to start downloading...
112
-Pleasure and Pain Album
Natalie
-Going Crazy
The 68's
Rooney
-Rooney Album
The Getaway
-Taken
-Boiled Powerade
-Midnight
The Candidates
-Hopeless
One Drop
-Lunatic
-Slimboy Fat
-Limpin Bizkit
Knacker
-The Situation
-Walk Out
-Far Away
-Girlfriend
-Safe (In the Nick of Time)
-Not the Same
Bluepocket
-Hollywood Sound
-You and I
The High Planets
-Venus
-Perfect Speed
-Easily
The Rocket Summer
-Skies So Blue
-Movie Stars and Super Models
The Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Can't Stop
River City High
-Just a Song
Bodega
-Sometimes
-The Other Side of Love
The Snitches
-Right Before My Eyes
Yellowcard
-Starstruck
Sixty Stories
-First Bell
Good Charlotte
-The Anthem
Elise Besler
-Keep Running Away
-Bring Your Laughter
-Love is Blind
-Done Up Right
Galore
-Pocket Rocket
The Planet Smashers
-Life of the Party
-Change
-Surfin in Tofino
-My Decision
-Fabricated
-Change
-Record Collector
The Pettit Project
-Fully Aware, Fully Prepared
-Used to be Alone
-For Miles in Denial
Subb
-Looking for Direction
-Home is Where the Heart Aches
-Daylight Saving
Mike Church
-Movin Up
-BB64
-You Not Doin Nothin
Vibrolux
-Talkin About
-Business at Hands
-Made in the Shade
Kid Gib
-Good Enough
-Today is the Day
The Vines
-Get Free
Flux A.D.
-Record Spins
-Letters from Japan
-Fear of Heights
Botanic
-Lost and Found
-Easily Pleased
-Horizon
-Burning
Girl Nobody
-Blame it on the Aliens
Queens of the Stone Age
-No One Knows
The Strokes
-Last Nite
-Someday
Hutch
-My World
Foo Fighters
-Times Like These
Sum 41
-Motivation
Paul Oakenfold
-Ready, Steady, Go
Linkin Park
-Somehwere I Belong
Flavour Lab
-Boom Boom
Dead Beat Radicals
-Swivel It
Carnival
-We Start Fires
The Carnations
-Pleased to Meet You
-Cameras
-Hey Hey
-I've Got Spies
-I Need Someone
Shyne Factory
-On My Own
-Bring Me Down
-I'm Not Sorry
-The Moment
-Start It Over
Barfly
-Shelter
The Candidates
-Hopeless
Paper Moon
-I've Done it Wrong Again
-The History of Punctuation
-Remember Me
Box Car Racer
-I Feel So
Decibel Beads
-The Words I Hear
National Anthem
-National Anthem
-Out to Get Us
Brandston
-The Rookie Year
-Guest List
Stirling
-Only Dreaming
The Red Hot Valentintes
-This Heart of Mine
-Wait for Summer
Simian
-La Breeze
One Marathon
-Reverie Sound Revue
Go Robot Go!
-The Kelly Affair
-Yeah We Got It
Coldplay
-Trouble
Beautiful
-You
Sekiden
-S.T.A.Y
-1+1=Heartache
-Answering Machine
-Pinball Summer
Bluescreen
-Araby
The Black Europeans
-Work that Thing
-It's On
-Payoff
-Lauryn's Groove
Mark Taylor
-I Fly
Spy 51
-Sheila's Sister
The Premiums
-All I Really Want
-Best Days of Our Lives
Motion Soundtrack
-Greater Heights
Danny K
-Get it Together
Sunday's best
-Don't Let it Fade
Ranier Maria
-The Doubles Life
Shannon Facyn
-Anthem
11 Minutes Away
-Better Off Without You
Sister Someone
-Do You
Imperial Public Library
-Randy Anderson
Young Ideas
-Pet Song
there is no more space on my computer -___-;;

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