29.12.03
im failing; in school, in friendships, in life. it seems so hopeless i know i should stop being so fucking lazy and start working on homework and studying and stuff but i dont seem to be able to find any motivation. im trying but i know i could be trying harder but i dont and i know i have the ability to do better but im not. everyone around me seems to have it so easy like they barely have to do anything and they can ace everything and they still complain whenthey get a fucking 85% im sorry but i think you need to be beat if you think you get 85% and you are failing even if you are in IB. YOU NEED TO BE FUCKING BEAT.
i hate dumping all of my problems on people maybe thats why its so hard for me to talk to people when i really need to. i dont knwo i just think that everyone wont understand whats happening. seriously i dont think anyone has been through what i've been through, and i cant say taht ive been through what anyone else has been through but i dont know its complicated. i seem to be getting more and more distant with the people that i used to be really close with. yea it sounds selfish; like everything has to be about me. i know that people have lives, and that they have other friends, but im just afraid of beinng alone. i think thats one of my biggest flaws i feed off the acceptance of others. i knwo its stupid but its just one of those things taht i cant really help and it probably wont ever change. but i dont think there really is anyone that doesnt really care what other people think of them like no moatter how little it may be, they care whether it be friends or family i think everyone is looking for some kind of approval from someone its just one of the human's little quirks.
boxing day, that was the first time in a long time that my mom and i havnt yelled at each other for the whole day. not once did she raise her voice at me and she brought us practically everywhere. and in the evening when she tripped and hit her head i was so afraid. like we all say we hate our parents and stuff and how we wish we had other parents that let us do more or whatever but after that i feel so horrible for all the crap ive been giving her and nt just her but my dad too. its never been her fault shes always been looking out for me andi always turned everything around on her and gave her heck. i feel so guilty. i wish i could be a better kid and i wish i didnt make my parents worry so much and i wish they'd understnad a little more about what im going through but its hard. everything was different for them when they were growing up. kids grew up at eighteen not twelve. its all a little hard to understand but i really should try harder. they really dont deserve the crap i put them through. they both have given up a lot of luxeries to give us what we want my dad he'd drive out at one in the morning just so he could know that i got home safe and my mom would come home from a party at the slightest sign of distress at home i feel like an idiot.
i dont know where life is taking me. i dont have any out-of-the-ordinary talents or anything and my marks in school definately wont be as high as others's who will want to go in to medicine cant be a lawyer cause i hate public speaking a teacher would be difficult cause my patience lasts about as long as snow in july. my future looks so empty. everyone seems to have a plan of what they want to do and i feel so envious that they can have the perfect future planned out infront of them everything is years away and they already know exactly what they'll be doing on that day, at that minute, during that second. and then theres me whos still trying to now fall over her own feet when she's walking never the less think about a career. there are so many things i want to do but cant find to motivation to i want to start to learn to read and write chinese again i feel so regretful for quitting i dont believe that just being able to speak is enough theres more to a language than language itself and i want to make a difference in society i want to find time; make time to volunteer i want to become a big sister i want to be able to teach my own sisters something they'll be able to use in their lifetimes i dont want my life to be pointless i want...i want... i want it sounds so selfish but i really do want to be able to do all these things. its just the motivation, and lack thereof thats holding me back. maybe its just me thats holding me back. there never seems to be enough hours in a day and never enough days in a week to get everything done. i know i probably wont be able to get everything i want done done in my lifetime but i dont see the hurt in trying
everyone seems so ticked off at me lately and i dont know what ive been doing wrong likeits just the looks from people and the words that they say. i know they dont mean it most of the time but god it still hurts and i look away and pretend i didnt hear it but it stays in my head and i cant get rid of it no matter what i do and i look around and see all these perfect people with everything anyone could ever want and it makes me want to cry because i'll never be like them and i'll never be half as successful as they are and it makes me want to run away. i think about that sometimes. running away. starting somewhere new with a new name and everything. running away and never looking back. i think i could do it. one of these days. just becuase i dont think the world would miss this 'me' all that much i think it'd go over oka
i feel so just liek argh whenever i say something horrible i know how it feels to be on the recieving end of everything and i still go and dish it out. i dont know what's wrong with me. maybe im just trying to let go of some pent up emotion. maybe im trying to not show a weakness. whatever it is if i've ever said or done anything to hurt you im sorry. really i am and i probably deserve whatever is coming to me. just know i didnt mean it.
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i hate dumping all of my problems on people maybe thats why its so hard for me to talk to people when i really need to. i dont knwo i just think that everyone wont understand whats happening. seriously i dont think anyone has been through what i've been through, and i cant say taht ive been through what anyone else has been through but i dont know its complicated. i seem to be getting more and more distant with the people that i used to be really close with. yea it sounds selfish; like everything has to be about me. i know that people have lives, and that they have other friends, but im just afraid of beinng alone. i think thats one of my biggest flaws i feed off the acceptance of others. i knwo its stupid but its just one of those things taht i cant really help and it probably wont ever change. but i dont think there really is anyone that doesnt really care what other people think of them like no moatter how little it may be, they care whether it be friends or family i think everyone is looking for some kind of approval from someone its just one of the human's little quirks.
boxing day, that was the first time in a long time that my mom and i havnt yelled at each other for the whole day. not once did she raise her voice at me and she brought us practically everywhere. and in the evening when she tripped and hit her head i was so afraid. like we all say we hate our parents and stuff and how we wish we had other parents that let us do more or whatever but after that i feel so horrible for all the crap ive been giving her and nt just her but my dad too. its never been her fault shes always been looking out for me andi always turned everything around on her and gave her heck. i feel so guilty. i wish i could be a better kid and i wish i didnt make my parents worry so much and i wish they'd understnad a little more about what im going through but its hard. everything was different for them when they were growing up. kids grew up at eighteen not twelve. its all a little hard to understand but i really should try harder. they really dont deserve the crap i put them through. they both have given up a lot of luxeries to give us what we want my dad he'd drive out at one in the morning just so he could know that i got home safe and my mom would come home from a party at the slightest sign of distress at home i feel like an idiot.
i dont know where life is taking me. i dont have any out-of-the-ordinary talents or anything and my marks in school definately wont be as high as others's who will want to go in to medicine cant be a lawyer cause i hate public speaking a teacher would be difficult cause my patience lasts about as long as snow in july. my future looks so empty. everyone seems to have a plan of what they want to do and i feel so envious that they can have the perfect future planned out infront of them everything is years away and they already know exactly what they'll be doing on that day, at that minute, during that second. and then theres me whos still trying to now fall over her own feet when she's walking never the less think about a career. there are so many things i want to do but cant find to motivation to i want to start to learn to read and write chinese again i feel so regretful for quitting i dont believe that just being able to speak is enough theres more to a language than language itself and i want to make a difference in society i want to find time; make time to volunteer i want to become a big sister i want to be able to teach my own sisters something they'll be able to use in their lifetimes i dont want my life to be pointless i want...i want... i want it sounds so selfish but i really do want to be able to do all these things. its just the motivation, and lack thereof thats holding me back. maybe its just me thats holding me back. there never seems to be enough hours in a day and never enough days in a week to get everything done. i know i probably wont be able to get everything i want done done in my lifetime but i dont see the hurt in trying
everyone seems so ticked off at me lately and i dont know what ive been doing wrong likeits just the looks from people and the words that they say. i know they dont mean it most of the time but god it still hurts and i look away and pretend i didnt hear it but it stays in my head and i cant get rid of it no matter what i do and i look around and see all these perfect people with everything anyone could ever want and it makes me want to cry because i'll never be like them and i'll never be half as successful as they are and it makes me want to run away. i think about that sometimes. running away. starting somewhere new with a new name and everything. running away and never looking back. i think i could do it. one of these days. just becuase i dont think the world would miss this 'me' all that much i think it'd go over oka
i feel so just liek argh whenever i say something horrible i know how it feels to be on the recieving end of everything and i still go and dish it out. i dont know what's wrong with me. maybe im just trying to let go of some pent up emotion. maybe im trying to not show a weakness. whatever it is if i've ever said or done anything to hurt you im sorry. really i am and i probably deserve whatever is coming to me. just know i didnt mean it.
24.12.03
bleh
haha shit i just finished watching two sappy movies and a bunch of sad/sappy stories and i cant stop crying -_____-;; holy f'ing ionno it seems that the feeling of wanting someone to hold you during this time of year is the strongest. like everyone you see has someone and then theres like you... alone... and yea doesnt exactly help to make it a happy christmas there are always friends though i guess but ionno some times people just dont get whats happening and they just kinda yea fudge i shouldnt be thinking of relationships im only fifteen ive got my whole life ahead of me. maybe thats just what i want myself to think, maybe its just my way of reassuring myself i dont know. i dont know what to do anymore
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22.12.03
nothing to look forward to this christmas enjoy yourselves
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16.12.03
!@#$
so tis official backs have been turned and people are fucking bitches. thats all ladies.
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11.12.03
i hate school i hate homework i hate people i am stressed i want to cry yes thats right the fucking world revolves around me if you dont like it go suck yourself bitches
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8.12.03
its hard to push on when people cant see you for you. like they see the complete airheadedness but there more to it than that. seriously i have feelings depite whether i show them or not so take that into consideration before you open your mouth oka?
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7.12.03
its been one of those days you know? where you've only had like a total of 5 thoughts for the entire day =/ how horriffic... pauline my thumb hurts haha claaaay and the drumstick haha yes quite sexcellent
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4.12.03
do you ever just have one of those days where you jusst want to walk away from everything andjust leave it all behind becuase well its just not as important to you as you thought it was? one of those days where you just want to sit in a small dark room and cry untill you cant cry anymore? one of those days where you wish you could be anyone but you? i envy some people for being able to walk away from a major downfall and can not let it affect them in any way, for being able to be a good friend, for everything sometimes.
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"so hows so-and-so doing in school?"
"they're doing good"
"how are you doing in school?"
"im doing oka"
"how are so-and-so's mark in so-and-so?"
"good."
"better than yours?"
"yea"
"why cant you be more like so-and-so? why cant you listen more in class? why dont you pay more attention to your teachers?"
"...."
they're always comparing me to someone, if its not my cousins then its people from school or something. "look at so-and-so, they're involved in so many activities and they can still get 90's! why cant you be like them?" seriously its not like i dont try to please my parents but i dont know sometimesits just like what the hell more do you want from me i cant give you anymore than im already giving like really i dont think im doing that bad but theres always room for improvement but like one bad mark and i get hell for a month and my sistersgod one of them doesnt even talk to my parents and works and still lives at home and still gets like 150 a month for doing nothing like seriously she cant even fucking pick up after herself i get the blame for any mess she leaves and the other one my god she comes home and says "guess what! i got 72 on my science test! isnt that great?" what kinda of fucking standards are those and my rents are like "oh yea? thats nice, are you going any where this weekend? is anyone coming over? it doesnt matter that candice has to study for three tests and create a visual presentation you can have a giant party for all i care!" like wtf if i brought home a 72 id get "why didnt you study? i bet so-and-so got 80's. you're not going anywhere this weekend you're staying home, practicing piano and cleaning your room." its retarded and things at school arnt any better i think i just need some time away from everyone i'll be so god damn happy when christmas break comes i wont see anyone for like two weeks and i can just go hang out with old friends who i can count on you know? like seriously i put up with enough shit at home i dont need it at school too i go to school to get away from home thats the point and at the end of the day theres that feeling of dread of having to go somewhere you dont want to its like you just want to stop time and just kinda of live one moment over and over no matter how repetitive it is becuase it will always be better than moving on and continuing with the way things are supposed to go
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"they're doing good"
"how are you doing in school?"
"im doing oka"
"how are so-and-so's mark in so-and-so?"
"good."
"better than yours?"
"yea"
"why cant you be more like so-and-so? why cant you listen more in class? why dont you pay more attention to your teachers?"
"...."
they're always comparing me to someone, if its not my cousins then its people from school or something. "look at so-and-so, they're involved in so many activities and they can still get 90's! why cant you be like them?" seriously its not like i dont try to please my parents but i dont know sometimesits just like what the hell more do you want from me i cant give you anymore than im already giving like really i dont think im doing that bad but theres always room for improvement but like one bad mark and i get hell for a month and my sistersgod one of them doesnt even talk to my parents and works and still lives at home and still gets like 150 a month for doing nothing like seriously she cant even fucking pick up after herself i get the blame for any mess she leaves and the other one my god she comes home and says "guess what! i got 72 on my science test! isnt that great?" what kinda of fucking standards are those and my rents are like "oh yea? thats nice, are you going any where this weekend? is anyone coming over? it doesnt matter that candice has to study for three tests and create a visual presentation you can have a giant party for all i care!" like wtf if i brought home a 72 id get "why didnt you study? i bet so-and-so got 80's. you're not going anywhere this weekend you're staying home, practicing piano and cleaning your room." its retarded and things at school arnt any better i think i just need some time away from everyone i'll be so god damn happy when christmas break comes i wont see anyone for like two weeks and i can just go hang out with old friends who i can count on you know? like seriously i put up with enough shit at home i dont need it at school too i go to school to get away from home thats the point and at the end of the day theres that feeling of dread of having to go somewhere you dont want to its like you just want to stop time and just kinda of live one moment over and over no matter how repetitive it is becuase it will always be better than moving on and continuing with the way things are supposed to go
3.12.03
past my bedtime
god im not even the SLIGHT BIT focused on physics right now maybe i should turn the music off that would probably help thats what usually causese my mind to stray in the first place it would probably yea anyway im tired but im not really but im like really restless and i dont know why i cant sit still and its making me angry so its thursday tomorrow almost friday... almost long weekend almost lots of studying to do for everything i should find help for math and physics seeing as neither one makes so much as a dime's worth of sense to me. ionno but i guess this is what i chose so i guess i have to put up with it it'll all be worth it in the end right? yea whatever as long as i end up in a career that is able to support me and that i'm actually going to be able to enjoy doing then it'll all be oka it might be a little slow but it'll be oka.
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i hate physics i dont understand how to do anything will fail i should talk to pauline about our comm project because i dont know what we're going to do =/ 69 463 4 2268 84465 78724448. 487 46774253. 4283 968 3837 3358 76 47652833 8428 66 628837 9428 968 36 3837984464 73367 46735377? 4 3668 5669. 949 446 63 255 736753. 4 3668 8633778263 469 33354647 9675. 737468759. 487 26669466. 4 6326 437 652 263 255 288 487 5878 93473. 4 3668 9268 86 5453 446. 4 5453 5878 23464 3743637. 487 4663 8447 929.
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2.12.03
haha yea that last one was bs bu yea i dont know feeling kinda lost?-ish wandering maybe i dont know i definately dont feel in one piece its all you know? its takeing longer to blow over than i thought it would and its makeing me angry becvause its taking up too much of my time. time i dont have to be spending on stuff like this seriously i cant focus its pathetic because its NOTHING and its never going to be anything so why am i dwelling on it? you know... you can get lots of thinking done on bus rides thinking that there just isnt time fo during the day you can just sit there and listen to you music and think about nothing. its great. sometimes i just dont want to go home... you know? things are so screwed up right now id rather just sit outside half the time than be here but what doesnt kill you only makes you stornger right? things will change for the better even if the better only lasts for a little while. a little is better than none at all.
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1.12.03
twinkle twinkle little star,
how i wonder what you are,
i have so many wishes to make,
but most of all its what i state.
so just wonder,
that i've been dreamin of,
i wish that i could have all his love.
i wish i may, i wish i might
have the dream i dream tonight.
twinkle twinkle little star,
how i wonder what you are.
i want a guy who'll be all mine,
and want to say that i'm his girl.
someone sweet, that's for sure,
i want to be the one he's looking for.
i wish i may, i wish i might,
have the wish i wish tonight.
*sigh* do you ever feel like you're just setting yourself up for the fall? like you know the outcome is going to be absolutely *pfht* but you still try anyway? yea its hopeless but thats oka because it'll bealright for at least a little while. it'll blow over it always does nothing ever seems to stick you know? all except for that onebut yea thats over and done with and dwelling on the past wont help so it'll be oka. it'll all be oka.
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how i wonder what you are,
i have so many wishes to make,
but most of all its what i state.
so just wonder,
that i've been dreamin of,
i wish that i could have all his love.
i wish i may, i wish i might
have the dream i dream tonight.
twinkle twinkle little star,
how i wonder what you are.
i want a guy who'll be all mine,
and want to say that i'm his girl.
someone sweet, that's for sure,
i want to be the one he's looking for.
i wish i may, i wish i might,
have the wish i wish tonight.
*sigh* do you ever feel like you're just setting yourself up for the fall? like you know the outcome is going to be absolutely *pfht* but you still try anyway? yea its hopeless but thats oka because it'll bealright for at least a little while. it'll blow over it always does nothing ever seems to stick you know? all except for that onebut yea thats over and done with and dwelling on the past wont help so it'll be oka. it'll all be oka.
