29.12.03
im failing; in school, in friendships, in life. it seems so hopeless i know i should stop being so fucking lazy and start working on homework and studying and stuff but i dont seem to be able to find any motivation. im trying but i know i could be trying harder but i dont and i know i have the ability to do better but im not. everyone around me seems to have it so easy like they barely have to do anything and they can ace everything and they still complain whenthey get a fucking 85% im sorry but i think you need to be beat if you think you get 85% and you are failing even if you are in IB. YOU NEED TO BE FUCKING BEAT.
i hate dumping all of my problems on people maybe thats why its so hard for me to talk to people when i really need to. i dont knwo i just think that everyone wont understand whats happening. seriously i dont think anyone has been through what i've been through, and i cant say taht ive been through what anyone else has been through but i dont know its complicated. i seem to be getting more and more distant with the people that i used to be really close with. yea it sounds selfish; like everything has to be about me. i know that people have lives, and that they have other friends, but im just afraid of beinng alone. i think thats one of my biggest flaws i feed off the acceptance of others. i knwo its stupid but its just one of those things taht i cant really help and it probably wont ever change. but i dont think there really is anyone that doesnt really care what other people think of them like no moatter how little it may be, they care whether it be friends or family i think everyone is looking for some kind of approval from someone its just one of the human's little quirks.
boxing day, that was the first time in a long time that my mom and i havnt yelled at each other for the whole day. not once did she raise her voice at me and she brought us practically everywhere. and in the evening when she tripped and hit her head i was so afraid. like we all say we hate our parents and stuff and how we wish we had other parents that let us do more or whatever but after that i feel so horrible for all the crap ive been giving her and nt just her but my dad too. its never been her fault shes always been looking out for me andi always turned everything around on her and gave her heck. i feel so guilty. i wish i could be a better kid and i wish i didnt make my parents worry so much and i wish they'd understnad a little more about what im going through but its hard. everything was different for them when they were growing up. kids grew up at eighteen not twelve. its all a little hard to understand but i really should try harder. they really dont deserve the crap i put them through. they both have given up a lot of luxeries to give us what we want my dad he'd drive out at one in the morning just so he could know that i got home safe and my mom would come home from a party at the slightest sign of distress at home i feel like an idiot.
i dont know where life is taking me. i dont have any out-of-the-ordinary talents or anything and my marks in school definately wont be as high as others's who will want to go in to medicine cant be a lawyer cause i hate public speaking a teacher would be difficult cause my patience lasts about as long as snow in july. my future looks so empty. everyone seems to have a plan of what they want to do and i feel so envious that they can have the perfect future planned out infront of them everything is years away and they already know exactly what they'll be doing on that day, at that minute, during that second. and then theres me whos still trying to now fall over her own feet when she's walking never the less think about a career. there are so many things i want to do but cant find to motivation to i want to start to learn to read and write chinese again i feel so regretful for quitting i dont believe that just being able to speak is enough theres more to a language than language itself and i want to make a difference in society i want to find time; make time to volunteer i want to become a big sister i want to be able to teach my own sisters something they'll be able to use in their lifetimes i dont want my life to be pointless i want...i want... i want it sounds so selfish but i really do want to be able to do all these things. its just the motivation, and lack thereof thats holding me back. maybe its just me thats holding me back. there never seems to be enough hours in a day and never enough days in a week to get everything done. i know i probably wont be able to get everything i want done done in my lifetime but i dont see the hurt in trying
everyone seems so ticked off at me lately and i dont know what ive been doing wrong likeits just the looks from people and the words that they say. i know they dont mean it most of the time but god it still hurts and i look away and pretend i didnt hear it but it stays in my head and i cant get rid of it no matter what i do and i look around and see all these perfect people with everything anyone could ever want and it makes me want to cry because i'll never be like them and i'll never be half as successful as they are and it makes me want to run away. i think about that sometimes. running away. starting somewhere new with a new name and everything. running away and never looking back. i think i could do it. one of these days. just becuase i dont think the world would miss this 'me' all that much i think it'd go over oka
i feel so just liek argh whenever i say something horrible i know how it feels to be on the recieving end of everything and i still go and dish it out. i dont know what's wrong with me. maybe im just trying to let go of some pent up emotion. maybe im trying to not show a weakness. whatever it is if i've ever said or done anything to hurt you im sorry. really i am and i probably deserve whatever is coming to me. just know i didnt mean it.
i hate dumping all of my problems on people maybe thats why its so hard for me to talk to people when i really need to. i dont knwo i just think that everyone wont understand whats happening. seriously i dont think anyone has been through what i've been through, and i cant say taht ive been through what anyone else has been through but i dont know its complicated. i seem to be getting more and more distant with the people that i used to be really close with. yea it sounds selfish; like everything has to be about me. i know that people have lives, and that they have other friends, but im just afraid of beinng alone. i think thats one of my biggest flaws i feed off the acceptance of others. i knwo its stupid but its just one of those things taht i cant really help and it probably wont ever change. but i dont think there really is anyone that doesnt really care what other people think of them like no moatter how little it may be, they care whether it be friends or family i think everyone is looking for some kind of approval from someone its just one of the human's little quirks.
boxing day, that was the first time in a long time that my mom and i havnt yelled at each other for the whole day. not once did she raise her voice at me and she brought us practically everywhere. and in the evening when she tripped and hit her head i was so afraid. like we all say we hate our parents and stuff and how we wish we had other parents that let us do more or whatever but after that i feel so horrible for all the crap ive been giving her and nt just her but my dad too. its never been her fault shes always been looking out for me andi always turned everything around on her and gave her heck. i feel so guilty. i wish i could be a better kid and i wish i didnt make my parents worry so much and i wish they'd understnad a little more about what im going through but its hard. everything was different for them when they were growing up. kids grew up at eighteen not twelve. its all a little hard to understand but i really should try harder. they really dont deserve the crap i put them through. they both have given up a lot of luxeries to give us what we want my dad he'd drive out at one in the morning just so he could know that i got home safe and my mom would come home from a party at the slightest sign of distress at home i feel like an idiot.
i dont know where life is taking me. i dont have any out-of-the-ordinary talents or anything and my marks in school definately wont be as high as others's who will want to go in to medicine cant be a lawyer cause i hate public speaking a teacher would be difficult cause my patience lasts about as long as snow in july. my future looks so empty. everyone seems to have a plan of what they want to do and i feel so envious that they can have the perfect future planned out infront of them everything is years away and they already know exactly what they'll be doing on that day, at that minute, during that second. and then theres me whos still trying to now fall over her own feet when she's walking never the less think about a career. there are so many things i want to do but cant find to motivation to i want to start to learn to read and write chinese again i feel so regretful for quitting i dont believe that just being able to speak is enough theres more to a language than language itself and i want to make a difference in society i want to find time; make time to volunteer i want to become a big sister i want to be able to teach my own sisters something they'll be able to use in their lifetimes i dont want my life to be pointless i want...i want... i want it sounds so selfish but i really do want to be able to do all these things. its just the motivation, and lack thereof thats holding me back. maybe its just me thats holding me back. there never seems to be enough hours in a day and never enough days in a week to get everything done. i know i probably wont be able to get everything i want done done in my lifetime but i dont see the hurt in trying
everyone seems so ticked off at me lately and i dont know what ive been doing wrong likeits just the looks from people and the words that they say. i know they dont mean it most of the time but god it still hurts and i look away and pretend i didnt hear it but it stays in my head and i cant get rid of it no matter what i do and i look around and see all these perfect people with everything anyone could ever want and it makes me want to cry because i'll never be like them and i'll never be half as successful as they are and it makes me want to run away. i think about that sometimes. running away. starting somewhere new with a new name and everything. running away and never looking back. i think i could do it. one of these days. just becuase i dont think the world would miss this 'me' all that much i think it'd go over oka
i feel so just liek argh whenever i say something horrible i know how it feels to be on the recieving end of everything and i still go and dish it out. i dont know what's wrong with me. maybe im just trying to let go of some pent up emotion. maybe im trying to not show a weakness. whatever it is if i've ever said or done anything to hurt you im sorry. really i am and i probably deserve whatever is coming to me. just know i didnt mean it.
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