30.6.05
i lied. again. i am looking for confirmation. from everyone. weak.
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28.6.05
worst night ever. so what do i do now? when you feel like shit because the one you thought was your friend wont talk to you. when you realize that you're fucking socially retarded. when you realize no one takes you seriously. when you finally notice that people are just using you. when you see that people only pretend to care. when you want to just scream at everyone who looks at you. when the only thing other people do is look at you and judge you. when all you want to do is sit in a corner and cry. but all you can do is put on a fucking smile and laugh.
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27.6.05
...well... that was interesting... i'm so weird! god! im only oka about it after i cry it out god its so stupid. maybe its the realization. of nothing? of impossibility? whatever. it doesnt matter anymore because i think the storm is gone. all that's left is to clean up the mess. awesome. maybe this will mean a coolio summer after all. of im so silly. wasted all that time and for what? nothing. right now. it's time for decisions. i hate decisions. fack.
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26.6.05
i hate this. everything. i wish you would leave.
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the worst pain ever. its like someone's reached into me and just pulled everything out and threw it in a blender. it's always like this. always. i dont know how to change it. never. i feel so useless and inadequate. like i dont belong. fuck. i've tried so hard and i've got nothing to show for it. everything just seems to be coming undone. i dont know what to do anymore.
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the worst pain ever. its like someone's reached into me and just pulled everything out and threw it in a blender. it's always like this. always. i dont know how to change it. never. i feel so useless and inadequate. like i dont belong. fuck. i've tried so hard and i've got nothing to show for it. everything just seems to be coming undone. i dont know what to do anymore.
19.6.05
things change. just getting into exam week and everything is all over. i cant focus and i feel like ive got ADD or something. right not would be a good time for some good downer music. its raining and i feel like crap and yah some good downer music would do me good. sleep is knocking at my door but i dont want to answer so i'll blog instead. so whats new with candice? i dont know. lots i think. i actually feel like im getting work done when i study, but that doesnt really stop me from feeling so inferior to others. everyone seems to have direction, everyone seems so motivated. everyone has talent, a hobbie, something. what do i have? nothing. it just seems that everything i do is for not. ive tried so many things, ive started projects, extra curriculars, but i can never seem to carry through. its like i was meant to suck at life and fail everything i try. its been a pretty horrible couple of weeks. definately crying weeks. fucking nervous breakdowns. my parents arnt helping in the least. i would give anything to be able to lock myself in my room and just stay in bed. useless. so useless. everything just seems so monotonous. i feel so confined lately. i want a new life. i want to move somewhere beautiful and start over. it would be amazing. i would be cool and i wouldnt have to pretend. things would be great. i would have friends and i'd go out. it'd be perfect. absolute perfection. sleep beckons.
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15.6.05
twice in one week. fuck. its not supposed to be this bad.
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13.6.05
faaack
tweleve days. two hundred eighty-eight hours. seventeen thousand two hundred eighty minutes. one million thirty-six thousand eight hundred seconds. five finals. one diploma. atleast three hours to the books every night. hardcore. feeling burnt out already. coming down with a cold i believe. what is fun like? i forget. math so worried. soooo worried. i dont think i'll be ready for the diplomaaaaa. i feel extremely sketchy about trig. stupid stupid stupid trig. AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! @#!$!!! so close! its like they've all come out of no where! GOD DAMN! my head has been throbbing for the last three days. make it stop. need more advil. advil saves everything. ugh. overwhelming stress. cant handle thisssss. FFFFFFAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. so consumed in everything. ugh and wiggles! havnt even made an incision yet! so screwed. ugh. one million thirty-six thousand eight hundred seconds. seventeen thousand two hundred eighty minutes. two hundred eighty-hours. twelve days. that's all that's left. all that's left to make a good impression. all that's left to tell you.
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12.6.05
it's time to let go. i really dont have the time right now to be distracted. this is how i know i will be an alcoholic -_______-;;
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