31.5.04
random thoughts
sometimes you just feel so restrained so held back by people and society and your own actions that you dont know what to do. you know where you wanna go and how you wanna get there but you never seem to be able to execute the plan. its so frustrating sometimes. you'll practice a certain aspect day after day and soon it turns routine and then when the time comes for you to put it into action you freeze up and you do shit all. maybe its just insecurities but there has to be more. fear. fear holds you back and theres nothing you can do about it sometimes. it can hurt you, and it'll make your breath stop and your heart cease and in the end, you're further back than where you started from. and people look to self pity and pity from others. call them weird, call them attention whores or attention starved but they're calling out and no one can see it. everyone just wants to be noticed, even if it's just for a little while. and sure you 'notice' people but do you really? i dont understand sometimes. and you and your mocking looks and glares of inferiority, i dont have to take it, but i do. i sit there and i just let it all hit me. you know why? neither do i. its worthless to try and change it but sometimes thats all you want to do; to change your life so that you dont have to put up with the worthless crap that you get from people everyday, from the people that claim that there's nothing there to change. it all falls back to insecurites and how people rely on them to fit in. im too fat. im too skinny. i stupid. ive got bad skin. im too dark, too light. too fucking retarded to see beyond it. i dont know sometimes i wish that we lived in a blind world
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