27.3.04
feeling so lost... do you ever feel like that? if you've somehow been dealt the wrong life and that you should be off somewhere else where everything is completely different than what it is? it just seems that everything doesnt fit together; nothing. its weird i guess its just everyone seems so... and yea... but they're not so you dont really know what to think about it
then there are those stupid little tendencies in my personality which make me do the stupidest things ever. i hate it. everytime it happens, i know it wont happen but i tell myself that it will anyway, and then when something happens to prove that it wont i get all worked up about it and cry over spilled milk. i shouldnt be doing this its complete nonsense but i believe it. and then, in the end, when its been refuted, i look back and think "thats fucking retard why would anyone think that?" because well thats how things are. people lead different lives when they're with different people; its aw simple as that. i know i do. being the hypocrite i am though, i think its stupid leading a double life. sometimes there isnt anything i want more than to let the two lives come together because im so sick and tired of trying to keep them apart. its like trying to keep water from mixing with water, theres nothing you can do about it. i hate doing this to myself its retarded cause i know nothing good will ever come of it, it will always end in shambles and i'll be left to pick up the pieces, because i was stupid enough to be lured in in the first place. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. STUPID. maybe i really should just give up, really, nothing it going anywhere, its like the world has stoppped but im still moving, im totally oblivious to everything going on around me. and that can be good or bad i dont know. but i hate the thought of being abandoned yuou know, or having so many people around, but now being able to interact with them. and then sometimes you just have those nights where you dont do ANYTHING but you cry yourself to sleep. you cry and cry and cry until your eyes are all puffy and until you dont remember what you were crying about. i think it helps relieve stress. but crying infront of people is the worst i hate it it shows such a vulnerability. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.im never going to let my gaurd down again. ever.
and the choices people make. god i envy so many people because they have the skills and potential to make it big in life and then theres me with no talent/significance what so ever. and i get so angry when i see them throw it all away for what? nothing? throwing it back into their parents's face? trying to look cool to their friends? god if you know who you are, i hope you read this and straighten yourself out before its too late. you are brilliant and what you're doing isnt helping anything at all.
then there are those stupid little tendencies in my personality which make me do the stupidest things ever. i hate it. everytime it happens, i know it wont happen but i tell myself that it will anyway, and then when something happens to prove that it wont i get all worked up about it and cry over spilled milk. i shouldnt be doing this its complete nonsense but i believe it. and then, in the end, when its been refuted, i look back and think "thats fucking retard why would anyone think that?" because well thats how things are. people lead different lives when they're with different people; its aw simple as that. i know i do. being the hypocrite i am though, i think its stupid leading a double life. sometimes there isnt anything i want more than to let the two lives come together because im so sick and tired of trying to keep them apart. its like trying to keep water from mixing with water, theres nothing you can do about it. i hate doing this to myself its retarded cause i know nothing good will ever come of it, it will always end in shambles and i'll be left to pick up the pieces, because i was stupid enough to be lured in in the first place. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. STUPID. maybe i really should just give up, really, nothing it going anywhere, its like the world has stoppped but im still moving, im totally oblivious to everything going on around me. and that can be good or bad i dont know. but i hate the thought of being abandoned yuou know, or having so many people around, but now being able to interact with them. and then sometimes you just have those nights where you dont do ANYTHING but you cry yourself to sleep. you cry and cry and cry until your eyes are all puffy and until you dont remember what you were crying about. i think it helps relieve stress. but crying infront of people is the worst i hate it it shows such a vulnerability. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.im never going to let my gaurd down again. ever.
and the choices people make. god i envy so many people because they have the skills and potential to make it big in life and then theres me with no talent/significance what so ever. and i get so angry when i see them throw it all away for what? nothing? throwing it back into their parents's face? trying to look cool to their friends? god if you know who you are, i hope you read this and straighten yourself out before its too late. you are brilliant and what you're doing isnt helping anything at all.
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