29.2.04
frustrated! seriously today is one of those 'i-should-beat-myself-to-a-bloody-pulp' kind of days. haha shit so much stuff can happen over four days. so much thats absolutely indescribably- in a way- heart wrenching. i've again, fallen for the one i said i wouldnt fall for because well yea but ionno he has a way with words that just makes you melt... GOD DAMN SMOOTH TALKER! @#!%!!!! sick sick sick. and all the things he says! i know they're not true... but i believe them anyway. what the shit is wrong with me?! i dont get it. gsus i should take control of my emotions, i always fall way too easily, always. its retarded.
its also retarded how i think i have friends. i can definately see why people wouldnt want to be around me and stuff but if they're going to do it they should atleast have the decency to tell me to my face. it hurts the most when you have to find out for yourself that they dont want to be associated with you. like atleast whenthey tell you to your face you know right away. but when you find out for yourelf you find out that the whole thing has been a lie. i dont know theres something about finding out for yourself that makes things always a little harder to take than having someone tell you. so i wish you guys would just tell me. christ. i feel like such a loner. like seriously, i have no one to talk to, no one i can vent to; ive resorted to this blog as my outlet for emotional stress. seriously, its f'ing pathetic.
and because of my wrecklessness of emotional outlet, my parents think im crazy and my sisters want to beat the shit out of me. well... no surprise there. if i werent me id want to be the shit out of me too. ionno im thinking of leaving for a few days but ive got no where to go. i really really want to get away from here. jeez there are so many things i want to say to so many people, namely people i thought i was close with, but i cant and i know whats stopping me. and i cant change it. even if i wanted to, which i do.
really
its also retarded how i think i have friends. i can definately see why people wouldnt want to be around me and stuff but if they're going to do it they should atleast have the decency to tell me to my face. it hurts the most when you have to find out for yourself that they dont want to be associated with you. like atleast whenthey tell you to your face you know right away. but when you find out for yourelf you find out that the whole thing has been a lie. i dont know theres something about finding out for yourself that makes things always a little harder to take than having someone tell you. so i wish you guys would just tell me. christ. i feel like such a loner. like seriously, i have no one to talk to, no one i can vent to; ive resorted to this blog as my outlet for emotional stress. seriously, its f'ing pathetic.
and because of my wrecklessness of emotional outlet, my parents think im crazy and my sisters want to beat the shit out of me. well... no surprise there. if i werent me id want to be the shit out of me too. ionno im thinking of leaving for a few days but ive got no where to go. i really really want to get away from here. jeez there are so many things i want to say to so many people, namely people i thought i was close with, but i cant and i know whats stopping me. and i cant change it. even if i wanted to, which i do.
really
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