28.9.05
things suck when you're not even good enough for second best.
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24.9.05
Accusations.
What happened to finding yourself? What happened to 'strive for everything." Things are crashing seven ways to hell, and what am I doing? Nothing. What have a said? Not a word. What's the point? I'm not quite sure. All I know is that I'm dissatisfied with the way things are right now. And I can't find a way to change it. There's no where to turn. Anyone I talk to just makes it worse, and it makes me wonder. I don't think I'm supposed to be here right now. Everything is just so fucking inaccessible. I'm pretty sure it's my fault.
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23.9.05
chronic.
I'm trying so hard right now. I'm trying so hard to make things out to be the best I can and everything just seems to be backfiring. I just want to be good at something. Everyone else has aspirations and is well on their way to reaching them, and where am I? In the middle of nowhere with a pocket full of change and a suitcase in the rain.
Turn left?
Turn right?
I thought I found something I could do, and do well. But if my own friends don't even think I can do it then should I even waste my time? I can't play volleyball. I sucked at piano. It's like everything I try, I fail at. God, sometimes I just wish there was someone I could just tell everything to without reprecussions. It would make things so much easier to handle. It doesn't help that everyone seems to be just leaving. They leave and they don't bother saying why or coming back.
Nothing ever seems to get better. What if I hadn't transferred. What if I had just stayed and toughed it out? Would things be any different? I think my whole situation could have changed. I'd still probably be on the road to no where, but, maybe, I'd be happy doing it. Maybe I'd be doing something with myself instead of just sitting here. Maybe I'd be living.
There are just so many things that I want to blame upon certain people, just because it was retarded to have to put up with their shit for six years. And there are other people who I wonder about; I wonder if they were ever ready to take charge of such huge responsibilities.
I'm just so tired of waiting. Waiting for people. Waiting for me to figure things out. It's just so frustrating. People try to help by talking but holy fuck they make it just so much worse. I just want to yell at them and tell them to shut up because they're not helping at all.
I. Me. My. Yeah, so what, I'm self-absorbed. If no one else is going to care, well, then I have a lot to make up for.
Turn left?
Turn right?
I thought I found something I could do, and do well. But if my own friends don't even think I can do it then should I even waste my time? I can't play volleyball. I sucked at piano. It's like everything I try, I fail at. God, sometimes I just wish there was someone I could just tell everything to without reprecussions. It would make things so much easier to handle. It doesn't help that everyone seems to be just leaving. They leave and they don't bother saying why or coming back.
Nothing ever seems to get better. What if I hadn't transferred. What if I had just stayed and toughed it out? Would things be any different? I think my whole situation could have changed. I'd still probably be on the road to no where, but, maybe, I'd be happy doing it. Maybe I'd be doing something with myself instead of just sitting here. Maybe I'd be living.
There are just so many things that I want to blame upon certain people, just because it was retarded to have to put up with their shit for six years. And there are other people who I wonder about; I wonder if they were ever ready to take charge of such huge responsibilities.
I'm just so tired of waiting. Waiting for people. Waiting for me to figure things out. It's just so frustrating. People try to help by talking but holy fuck they make it just so much worse. I just want to yell at them and tell them to shut up because they're not helping at all.
I. Me. My. Yeah, so what, I'm self-absorbed. If no one else is going to care, well, then I have a lot to make up for.
1.9.05
overrated?
the first day of the last year of highschool was kind of dissapointing. Really dissapointin actually. Why did i expect more? I don't know. I kind of thought it would be a fresh start, but then i started talking to people again and i really remembered why i didnt like anyone there in the first place. It's only the first day but i can already feel im going to blow up at some people, and if you asked i could pretty much tell you who. Cynical? perhaps, but i guess two months wont wipe the slate clean.
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